she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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