So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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