airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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