I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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