in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
