There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
