I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Swine flu is the new snow day.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
