my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
