he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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