I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
