How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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