Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
