im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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