my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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