No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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