Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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