Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
