you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
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I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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