this boner is exhausting
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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