At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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