god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
