Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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