The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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