Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
