We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
