Do you still have your period?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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