Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
