you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
