I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
