apparently the secret to your success is patron
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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