I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
