Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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