I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
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And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
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you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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