I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
