So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
