So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
