I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
