Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
