when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
