this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
