with your own penis?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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