this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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