I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
