I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
