and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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