It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
