So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
