I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
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I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
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When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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