woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
