just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
i am craving dick and cupcakes
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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