Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
