seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
