wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So much Jack, so little girl.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
