would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
