it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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