i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
