I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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