dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
