Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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